brownies and wise choices

What do we do now?  What do I do now? 

In my heart I am a mommy of four.  Well, in most of my heart.  There is still a piece, a significant piece, that fears all the "what ifs" and the unknowns.  But I also know that I need to, I must, let my heart engage with this little boy waiting for me in Kansas.

And I want to engage, to love him, long for him, yearn to hold him and snuggle him and welcome him to our family. 

So what do I do?

I do "life as usual".  I make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and serve applesauce to the three treasures already in our home. 

I stand up from the lunch table and check the weather in Kansas. 

I do laundry, washing and folding and sorting and putting away.

My mind wanders, and I mentally pack sleepers, receiving blankets, baby laundry for a 800 mile trip to meet my son-to-be.  

I wake up in the middle of the night and my mind jumps to wondering if his birth mom is also awake, uncomfortable in her final weeks of pregnancy. 

Matt and I install the car seat that has been sitting in our storage room for a month.

The girls hop in the van the next day and squeal with delight - a seat for our new baby!  I love riding around with this seat in the car.  I grin each time I see it.  And I think this visual proof is so great for our kids.  Even Isaac points to the seat and says "baby seat buckle baby". 

For our "craft" on Friday we made a paper chain - one link for each day we wait until we travel to go meet our little boy.  (Of course I don't know the exact date yet, so I guessed and plan to add or subtract a few links when the details get firmer!)  The kids decorated one side of each link, and together we brainstormed a different way to pray for him each day and added that prayer request to the other side of the link.  Each morning we'll tear off a link, pray for our baby, watch the chain get shorter and shorter. 

[The 20+ prayer requests the girls came up with are pretty awesome:  that he will be nice to us, that he will grow enough teeth to eat, that his eyes will see good, that he will like brownies.  And we encouraged them "how can we pray for his heart?" and the answers were precious.  "That he will love Jesus, that he will make wise choices, that he will trust in Jesus, that he will have a heart that wants to obey."  So some days we'll pray for brownies.  And other days we'll pray for wise choices.  All in all, it's a good mix.]

There are logistical details yet to be dealt with - faxes, emails, documentation.  So I can fix my mind on lists of things to do.  Then I wonder if he will have hair when he's born.  Will I even know what to do with baby hair?!?!? 

So ..... this is what I do.  I live in this weird "in between". 

In some ways life is "as usual".   And in other ways my heart screams: there is nothing usual going on here!  We are part of a huge adoption story - God is adopting lost and broken people into his perfect love and grace and mercy.  And He is allowing our family to mirror a small part of that adoption story in the life of one small baby boy.  Praises! 

Thank you for journeying with us.... every prayer for this little baby boy, for our family, for the birth mother.... God hears, He is delighted when His people humble themselves and pray.  And we are grateful to journey with you. 

We are many things: excited, nervous, joy-filled, anxious, fearful, overwhelmed.  But we are not lonely.  Thank you.