It's 9:30 on Sunday morning.  I am still in my bathrobe. 

Not going to church because I cannot face all the questions that I cannot answer.  [Why are you here with no baby?  Will you still adopt?  When?  How? Why?  How are your kids doing?  How are you doing?]

The girls and Isaac are playing with bowls and utensils taken from an off-limits drawer in the kitchen.  I have yet to deal with discipline for their collective disobedience, mainly because I am just grateful they are happy and not demanding anything of me.  Matt is downstairs in his office with the door shut for some much needed quiet reflection. 

That, in short, is how we are doing.

We got home from Baltimore late late Friday night.  Picked up the kids Saturday morning, only 48 hours after we left them for what we hoped would be the trip to pick up our new baby.

So, what happened? Short answer is we are not totally sure.  It seems that maybe a hospital social worker (not the agency social worker) discouraged the birth mom from placing her child in a white family and encouraged her to look elsewhere for an adoptive family.  Yes, the social worker knew on Thursday that a white family was coming to get the baby.  Not sure why she waited til after we met him to talk to the birth mom.  Yes, the birth mom knew all along that we were white. 

This has been, and continues to be, one terribly difficult road.  Why the Lord has chosen this for us, we are not sure.  We cling to what we know to be true of Him, instead of trusting what our limited, finite experience tells us might be true of Him. 

Inexplicably, we still deeply desire to add to our family through adoption.  But right now it's too hard to consider.  We feel like we have been picked up and dropped, picked up and dropped again, picked up again (still injured from previous falls) and dropped yet again.  We are tired of getting up.

A dear friend who consistently speaks truth and grace and love into my life sent me this in a text message and I love what it says about our Lord.  She writes, "Much like your desire to adopt that can't be snuffed out by hard circumstances, pain, and the enemy's attempt to kill that desire, Jesus' desire to see his people adopted could not be put out.  He endured incredible pain because his desire was for God to have us as his children at the wedding feast and with him through all eternity.  You are participating in an intimate way in Christ's suffering.  Praying it would draw you to Him as you see His heart."

Much of what I deeply desire to be my perspective as I walk this road is found in this great article, I hope you'll read it.

Thank you for praying for us.