1-1-2011

I know exactly where I was, who I was with and what I was doing New Year's Day 2011.

And I know where I wasn't.

I wasn't with John Paul on the day he was born.

On the eve of his first birthday in our family I have such mixed emotions.  We've had a hard couple of days, me and him.  We've struggled more than any other time in our short five month history.  I don't know what I'm doing, and we both know it :)

I feel grateful to have him in our family, amazed that God would choose me to mother this precious child.  And I feel overwhelmed and confused: this is harder than I thought it would be, I'm not sure I'm cut out for this mammoth task.

But I'm as committed to him as the day I signed the paper making him mine forever.  

I think about his birth mom and wonder: where is she now?  and is she thinking of him?  oh how I wish she could know, even for one brief second that he is alive, and well, and happy and healthy, and warm and loved and snuggled down under two blankets (handmade by his Grandma and Grandmama) and sleeping in a bedroom next to his big brother.

I think about his foster mom... did they celebrate last year?  What will she do tomorrow?  Should I call her?  I can't imagine loving a child for 19 months and handing him to strangers for the rest of his life.  The joy... the pain.  

I love that his birthday is New Year's Day.  Love it.  Oh how we all need to know the promise of a new day coming.  Our God is making all things new.
 

Happy Birthday John Paul.  I've got a good feeling about this next year.  We're gonna have us a NEW one.

[Did I ever tell you that I LOVE two year olds?]

as the year ends

We have us a THREE DAY WEEKEND!!!  And man on man do I need it! 

The last few days with John Paul have been really tough.  Really really tough.  Matt and I both feel that we've taken a few big steps backward in terms of his security, comfort, adjustment, everything.  He's waking all through the night and generally grumpy as can be during the day.  [Although today he had a slow morning and a really great afternoon - so maybe we're through the worst of it!]

Surely some of this is related to adoption, attachment, abandonment, previous trauma, etc.  Some of it is probably related to surgery issues - it was traumatic, painful, yucky on all accounts.  And some of it is probably related to food - I'd be generally ticked off and grumpy if I was restricted to a liquid diet myself. 

So, all that to say, we have not had an easy few days. 

And I'm glad to have Matt home an extra day (Tuesday), turning this into a three day weekend for our family. 

A few newsy post-Christmas tidbits.....

John Paul is doing really well.  Right now the biggest challenge for me (and him, I guess) is the liquid diet.  Gee whiz this one is really throwing me for a loop!  Getting enough calories into John Paul (he's a big eater) and keeping him happy while the other kids munch Christmas cookies and he dines on (yet another) peanut-butter-banana-yogurt shake is not easy.  It's not like our meal times needed another complicating factor. 

The roof of his mouth is an amazing thing to behold!  The surgeon gave him a palate!  It's incredible.  For almost two years the top of his mouth cavity had a huge long gaping hole.  Now it looks just like any normal mouth (well, you can still see stitches but it's not nearly as red or swollen as you might imagine).  The first six weeks are critical for healing.  He goes to the hospital again next Monday for a quick check up, just to make sure everything is looking good.

Day-after-Christmas we hosted precious local friends for dinner and White Elephant gift exchange.  It was awesome.  These folks are like family, our kids bask in the glow of all the extra-lovin'!  11 adults plus our five kiddos makes for a full house, but such sweet times.

And then today.  Susan Ayi gave our big four fishing nets for Christmas and they were so eager to get outside and "fish".  Isaac woke up this morning talking about packing his net for America (11 months til take-off, it's good to know he's planning ahead!)

So after rest time I geared up and headed out with my crew of fishermen.  I was laughing so hard I could barely take the photos (just old phone quality photos, I was busy enough juggling the fishermen!)

Our apartment complex is full of water features: little interconnecting streams, a few larger ponds, stocked with plenty of fish.  Typically I steer clear of the water and try to stay near dry ground, but today we were looking for fish.  The kids were hoping for a big catch.  I was just hoping everyone stayed dry.

I loaded Luke on my back and we were all set.  It wasn't long before kids and fishing nets were teetering precariously close to the water's edge.

 

After about 45 minutes of scenes like these we had no fish.  

And I thought it was high time to take a little break and let my blood pressure return to normal.  So we ended our afternoon at the playground, the big three still confused as to why our nets were empty and determined to figure out what needs to change so we come home with fish next go-round.  

It was a highlight of my day, watching these four traipse around our complex, fishing nets in hand, scheming about the next big catch.  They were hilariously awesome.  I laughed harder than I have in weeks. 

A Merry post-Christmas week for our little family!

Christmas in pictures

Merry Christmas!

from our family to yours!!!!!!

7 on Christmas eve

Seven seems to be the number this season.

Julianna, 7 years and one day old.  My first child, a Christmas baby.  She is truly a treasure like no other. 

And the other big 7? Seven of us!  It's a full house this Christmas.  And oh am I grateful!  Last Christmas we were waiting for Luke (born 3 months later) and John Paul (we actually didn't even know who our John Paul was last Christmas, just knew that he was coming). 

All seven of us went to International Fellowship together the morning of the 23rd.  There was a time last week when I didn't think that service, or this picture, would happen.  I'm not sure I've ever been so thankful to all walk into a church service together. 

Life is full.  But I cannot imagine it any other way.

We're home from a Christmas eve party with many dear friends, all the children are sleeping and Matt & I are finishing up final Christmas preparations.  Tomorrow is our first Christmas morning with 5 children.  I can't wait!!!!!!  (And neither can they!  I convinced the girls to skip their flashlight-reading time and go straight to bed because they didn't want to oversleep and get up later than the boys!  In reality, I'm thinking the girls will be up by 7, and it's the boys we'll be waiting for!)

guess where we are?!?!?

HOME!

Yes!

We have not technically been discharged yet but John Paul was doing so well this afternoon the head nurse told us we could go home and she'd call us in tomorrow if the chief resident thought John Paul needed to be checked.  Otherwise, we'll be back on Monday to do all the discharge paperwork and close this chapter of John Paul's story!

Woohooo!!!!!

newest update (saturday morning)

John Paul had a long hard afternoon and evening yesterday (Friday).  It is so difficult to be here at home (with my other four constantly snuggling up to, soaking up the contact after two days away) but also to know how much I want to be at the hospital. 

I debated heading back over last night but Matt convinced me the best way I could help was to stay home with our other four, sleep, and come back at 110% capacity on Saturday morning.  So I did. 

Three loads of laundry, (almost) ten hours of sleep and two showers later I'm loading up to go back.  Three of our kids will stay with a neighbor for a few hours while I switch shifts with Matt.  I'll take Isaac with me (he begged to go see Daddy and did not want to be shuffled off to another care giver!)

Thankfully, we have support here at home and the hospital too.  It's amazing how much faster the time passes when there are people visiting, even if you are busy trying to comfort a very uncomfortable toddler. 

7 years ago I spent December 23rd in a hospital with newborn Julianna.  This year I'll spend it there with John Paul (different hospital, different city).  This morning we made cupcakes and tomorrow Matt will bring everyone up to visit for pizza and cupcakes birthday lunch.  (Thankfully we already celebrated big earlier this month!!)

There is a part of me really hoping they'll let us go home the afternoon of the 23rd but it depends on how well these next 24 hours go.  Initially they told us they could remove the iv port Saturday evening (today) but I'm not sure that will happen unless he has a really good day. 

PS - Matt just called and said John Paul is perking up a bit!  He ate a good-sized breakfast and has the energy to get really mad and throw a fit!  This is unusual behavior from him (he's not normally one to throw a fit) but I'm just glad he has the energy to fight!  If the roof of my mouth was a gauze covered mass of stitches I just might throw a fit too :)

day 2 update

It's early Friday afternoon.  I am just home from the hospital after a long two day stretch away from home and my other four children.  Hospitals have a way of just taking the wind out of your sails, and leaving your exhausted, don't they?  And our hospital is really great, really a sweet encouraging friendly place, but it's still a hospital, and I can't wait to get in the shower and wash off the smell of antiseptic and plastic and bloody drool :)

But I am here with a quick update first!

John Paul is doing okay.  He is better than yesterday, but still a pretty sad little boy.  He did perk up quite remarkably when his big siblings visited earlier this morning, but mostly he is in pain and grumpy, clingy, tear-y.

Dr. Stone (the surgeon) feels very confident in his work and John Paul's response, but only time will tell how successful the surgery was, these first few days are important - especially that he would avoid infection and get the nutrition he needs.  He is eating some soft foods (yogurt, applesauce, soup) and has a bit of an appetite, but not nearly as much as he normally eats.  He has a big gauze pack in the roof of his mouth and we hope he'll tolerate it for another day or two as it really helps protect the surgical site.

He is still on intermittent iv fluids, but the nurses are good about taking him off the iv and giving him some time untethered to the iv pole.  He doesn't have a lot of energy and isn't really asking to get down anyways.

A friend brought Julianna Lydia and Isaac to visit this morning and then the four of us went to pick up Luke and come home together.  I need some serious rest (not much sleep last night) and am looking forward to a quieter afternoon here and a long night of sleep.  Tomorrow Matt and I will switch spots and he'll take the home shift while I head back to the hospital.  Best case scenario we get out on Sunday, Monday is probably more likely at this point.  It'll make for a good Christmas Eve to have us all seven in the same place again, that's for sure!!

Thank you for praying!  This surgery is a life-changer for my little guy!  So so thankful! 

Second entry from guest blogger:


We got him!! Earlier than we thought!!!! He is in a sub icu room in my arms. Still hooked to lots of wires. One nurse just for him. Mostly sleeping but knows we are here.

John Paul Update

Guest blogger Ashlei updating for Laura while she's at the hospital:

John Paul's surgery starts at ten this morning (9 p.m EST Wednesday evening.) We hope to have him back in our arms within five hours. Matt is taking our kids to a Friends and will be here at the hospital soon. So far John Paul is doing great! He has explored every last nook and cranny of the 13th floor and charmed all the nurses.

I hope to update again later when he is out of surgery.

Christmas cookies in the cleft ward lobby, night before his surgery

the first nurse had plenty of trouble getting his iv in and eventually gave up and deferred to another nurse.  by the time it was all over John Paul had worn himself out and settled down for a little pre-surgery snooze.

we got him!  left us at 11:45, transitioned to icu at 2:30 and with us in recovery by 4.  (his o2 sats weren't really that low but the monitor was acting finicky.  I eventually just unplugged it to get rid of all the beeping alarms!)

morning after surgery visit from the big sibs.  he was excited to see them but fell asleep in my arms shortly after they arrived. 

one of his better moments Friday afternoon.  Friday was his absolute worst day, but he did manage to have a bit of good time and ham it up for the camera too. 

take two (John Paul's surgery) {updated: surgery pushed to thursday}

Last month we spent an emotionally draining week in and out of the hospital and the end result was no surgery for John Paul.  Oh, it was so disappointing, and so hard.  So so hard.

Now, we're ready for take two.  Hoping for a better outcome.  John Paul is officially on the list for this week and it's highly likely that his surgery will be Wednesday.  Tomorrow (Tuesday) morning John Paul and I are moving in to bed 34 in the cleft ward, right next door to our old room.

This morning Matt took both John Paul and Isaac down to the hospital to get us registered.   And then to the international clinic to remove Isaac's stitches.

in the lobby of the cleft surgery inpatient rooms

Tonight they both got haircuts, baths, and a picture by the tree.

It's good to have a brother. 

 

The next few days are going to be crazy, and I was grateful to soak up a little time with Julianna before bed.  (She had just fallen and earned herself a terrible bloody nose, so she was a little extra cuddly herself!)

when he's gone

If there is anyone around here who doesn't get enough blog time it's Matt.   So when he sent me these two pictures yesterday I thought they would be perfect to post.

Matt traveled less this fall than he has in a very very long time.  And I am one thankful wife!  It was pretty much the perfect season to have him home.  It probably won't stay like this, but for now, I'm grateful.  And I am glad when he can travel too, I know he is a tremendous blessing to the people he visits.

This is totally how I picture him when he's away.  He almost always sends photos to the kids of trains, airplanes, subways, whatever.

[Yes, our airports are built with jet ways.  And there are almost always open jet ways available.  But for some reason we usually board from the tarmac.  Our kids actually prefer this option.....  and you have to agree that walking down a carpeted tunnel doesn't really compare to standing next to a passenger jet.]

Check out that blue sky, will you?  The blue sky is where he landed.... (not here) but still it reminded me that this winter has been beautiful!  We've had a handful of days in the 40s, but mostly mid to upper 50s.  And VERY LITTLE RAIN!!!!!  Even blue skies on occasion.  Last year this time I was beginning my descent into mild seasonal depression.  The gray overcast skies and constant damp/drippy weather was taking its toll.  It was a looooooong tough haul for me from December to March.

But this year?!?!  No way!  Even when it does take me 15 minutes to get out the door it's worth it!  I'm especially grateful because this winter is logistically my most challenging and demanding - it's a tremendous gift that the outdoors is still so welcoming.  [Matt remembers differently and says the worst of the wet winter gray was January/February.  Even if that's the case, the good news is we'll be in Thailand and my biggest weather concerns will be sunscreen and melting ice cream.  I can handle that!] 

On the stomach bug front: Isaac is slowly improving.  It hasn't been pretty.  Sweet guy was just really really sick.  No one else seems to be showing any signs so we're hanging in there, and hopeful. 

plan A, plan B, plan C

Plan A: Matt travels this weekend.... headed to a nearby province where he'll see and stay with one of my dearest friends and her family.

Ashlei texts me Wednesday at noon: "Matt should bring Isaac". 

Enter Plan B.  Matt and I talk it through - Isaac would love to travel with his Daddy, he could spend his days playing with their four year old son, the flights are fairly cheap.  By 8pm we've bought Isaac's ticket and Isaac falls asleep wondering if he'll pack his sleeping bag. 

Until this afternoon at 4pm.  When Isaac threw up the entire contents of his stomach.  Three times.  No travel for you little buddy.

Plan C: Isaac and the stomach virus stay home while Daddy travels.  Sweet little guy only owned his plane ticket for about 24 hours. 

God showed me this afternoon so clearly that He will provide my every need.  We had two dinner guests who blessed us incredibly while I loved on my little guy.  One guest I wasn't even expecting until this morning and he held Luke for 90 minutes.  Luke, who is stranger-wary and usually fusses his  way through the late afternoon hours, was quiet and content in his arms.  The other sweet ayi listened to two Frog and Toad stories from Julianna and chased John Paul while I cleaned up puke. 

So I walk into the weekend confident.  God is good to me. 

We also covet your prayers.  John Paul is scheduled to enter the hospital on Monday with a tentative Wednesday cleft palate repair surgery.  If he gets this stomach bug the surgery is off.  I have a hunch it's already passed through his system, since he had some major stomach issues last week.... I'm wondering if Isaac is just dealing with the virus a bit differently. 

Even if the virus already hit John Paul we still have three children to go.  Let's hope our new washing machine is up to the challenge ;) 

handprints. and encouraged

Last year we made these hand print ornaments and as I watched them take their places on the tree I decided I wanted to do another hand print ornament this year.  But, like most ideas these days, I hold everything loosely.  I'm not floating too high above the survival line these days.  

A week or so ago I spotted this precious idea and started dreaming that we could maybe, maybe make it happen.  So yesterday afternoon I strapped both little boys into their chairs and got out the paints. 

We started with white-paint covered hands and silver Christmas ball ornaments. 

I managed to get John Paul's prints, but Luke eluded me.  I think I might be able to pull off a foot print for him, but I'm going to have to wait for a moment when he's not in pajamas (hello, almost never!) so I can get his foot painted, and printed, and washed in record time. 

While the paints were out we decided to get serious with the brushes.  Big Three ONLY. 

And then after dinner we used paint pens to add embellishments to our finger-print-turned-snowmen.  Hats, scarves, buttons, eyes and noses.  

(sorry bad phone-photo quality, our camera screen is not working and I sent it in to be repaired.  Let's hope we get it back within a week because NO WAY am I missing photos of Luke and John Paul's first Christmas!!!!)

I think they turned out great.  In a perfect world I would have used blue balls, and it would have worked better if they had more of a 'matte' finish, I'm afraid the paint will chip off these shiny silver ones.  But I don't live that close to Christmas decorating supplies, you know?  Still... I have my eyes open.  If I see the perfect blue Christmas balls we might re-do them. 


Totally different note: We've had a hard couple of days.  Between John Paul and Luke I feel like I am constantly on the defensive, heading off the next catastrophe.  Toss in some simple challenges (like making dinner, or switching laundry from washer to dryer, or parenting three other children) and I loose serious ground.  I am so desperately aware of how much wisdom and grace I need these days. 

So this morning, which was already tough (and not that old yet) I wandered over to a pack of mail that arrived in a package on Monday.  The first ten envelopes I opened were notes of encouragement and prayer.  I was teary before I got half way through them. 

Perfect timing.  I am not alone.  I have the Lord.  And I have the encouragement of his people. 

Thank you.  

when cooks party (Julianna's 7th birthday)

When we landed on the idea of a cooking party for Julianna I knew we had struck gold.  This little treasure loves to help in the kitchen, and the autonomy to "do it on her own" was gift enough!  Adding a best sister and best friend sealed the deal.   

We started off the afternoon decorating birthday cakes.  I borrowed a 7 inch pan and prepped three smaller cakes so each girl had their own.  We started with a base layer of white. [Hello, this was hilarious to watch them try to spread icing and cake crumbs multiplying and the eventual call for "i need help, the crumbs are everywhere".  In the end I used so much white icing repairing the tops that I never even mentioned the need to frost the sides!]

The original plan was to draw a rainbow on the cake, but as it turns out, squeezing the icing bags is just too. much. fun.  We went well past 'rainbow' and ended up with enormous amounts of frosting, squeezing those little bags til they were totally empty :)

Oh, and more than a small dollop of frosting ended up right here....

While the cakes rested from their frosting work out the girls played Monopoly Junior and enjoyed a brief stint at the neighborhood play ground.  Then, it was time to work on supper: tacos. 

They really did a great job.  (With very minimal supervision and instruction.) 

After dinner and a movie and a night of sleep it was time for the final cooking gig: french toast!

Yum!

Such a fun party with three of the most fun little girls that I know!  They had a great time, and I did too! 

Happy 7th Birthday Julianna!

(Her birthday is the 23rd.  This is the first year we've celebrated early and I really liked it.  It took some of the crazy away from the holiday, and the whole weekend felt devoted to her big day.  We'll do this again I think!)

in stitches

First, you must know that Isaac is a very funny boy.  He keeps us in stitches.

And then you need to know that he is currently sporting stitches!  His first significant injury... running, playing and then falling - head first into a knee high concrete wall.

We were at a Christmas party and I was inside talking with a friend.  I looked out the windows and saw Matt holding a bleeding crying Isaac.  I walked out to take a look.  One glance at the wound and my eyes connected with Matt's.

"He needs stitches."
"Yep."
Neither of us have one iota of medical background, but both of us knew that a hole that large wasn't going to be helped by a band aid.

I walked back inside, handed Luke off to a friend and hailed a nurse who happened to be at the party.  She quickly confirmed we needed medical help.

It took a bit to get in touch with the international clinic after hours doctor, and we juggled hungry Luke, flustered John Paul, and bleeding Isaac with the help of some good friends.  Julianna and Lydia were pleasantly distracted and played hard while we took phone calls and tried to make a game plan.  [Complicating factor: Matt was speaking at an event that started in about two hours.]

By 6pm I was at the clinic and Isaac was calm, listening to audio stories on my phone.

He earned four stitches on his temple.  Sooooo thankful for this wonderful doctor who came in on a Saturday night to work on my sweet boy.   He put Isaac (wrapped up like a mummy and lying under a bright light) at ease.  By the time the lidocaine kicked in and he started his work Isaac was chattering away. 

Issaac and I got home a bit late, took over from dear friends who stepped in to sit with our sleeping children while Matt spoke, and then I started back in on birthday party prep... for the next day was Julianna's birthday-party-day and there was a bit of getting-ready work to do.

48 hours later and apart from the continual band aid presence and nightly cleaning of the wound you would never know anything happened.  Isaac has not slowed down one notch.  Stitches come out next Monday and we'll have a better idea of what the scar might look like.

Is this not the perfect picture?  Can you see why my stitched up boy keeps us in stitches?!?!?

Birthday party pics and recap to come :)  We've got a chock full week with Matt working long hours early in the week and some travel at the end.  In North Dakota we'd say "uffda".  Because I don't handle the long hours + husband travel + five littles solo mothering very well.  

a gift for my girl

We kind of stumbled onto this challenge-idea: that Julianna would finish the entire Beginners Bible before we gave her a ‘real’ Bible of her own.  And I’ve loved it.  If the Bible holds up to the wear and tear we’ll use this idea with all five of our children.  

Julianna poked through at a pretty slow pace for most of the fall, but picked up speed in November.  We ordered her a Bible and once the package arrived she really got motivated :)  The last stretch she was reading three or four chapters a day.  

And Thursday morning she tasted victory!  So excited for my baby girl - well, almost 7 year old baby girl!  Reading through the whole Beginners Bible wasn’t a cake walk for her.  For one, she’s not naturally one to persevere at a task like this.  

And reading has not come super easily for her.   At one point I was concerned that she was maybe slightly dyslexic, but once I read a bit on the internet (yes, I know, not a flawless info source) I decided it was maybe more of an eye-tracking issue.  Even now she’ll mis-read simple words.  She flops “a” and “and”, and doesn’t even notice until the sentence doesn’t make sense and she goes back to correct herself.  She often switches “saw” and “was”.  Yesterday she read ‘everywhere’ as ‘where ever’.  [Anyone have any experience or insight with this? I’d love to hear from you.]

I’m so proud of her – for perseverance! And hard-work!  And learning that loving God’s word takes time and energy!

She’s sitting up at the dining table now, paging through her Bible looking for the verses she knows :) 

Next up: Lydia.  She took to reading like a professional and it won’t be long until I’ll be listening to all 526 pages of the Beginners Bible, round two.  By the time Luke steps up to the plate I’ll be correcting his mistakes based on memory.  (As a family during our morning devo times we’ve already plowed through this particular Bible several different times!  Speaking of… if you are looking for a great family Bible time resource we just finished God’s Names published by CDG (see it here) and I loved it.  LOVED.  Highly recommended.)